How can I engage in life when my heart is numb? It makes it difficult to function.
How can I attain my B.A. when I can’t sit through a lecture without feeling claustrophobic?
How can I hold a job when the slightest stress puts me in bed for days?
How can I function in life with such overwhelming anxiety and depression?
And where does it come from?
And why can’t I cope?
The only future I can see myself in is one that is numb.
So I begin seeking the advice of others.
I wonder what I look like from the outside.
How do others see me and how do they think I should remedy my lack of ‘why’ for living? A few confident souls have shared some of their own words of wisdom with me. But they all come to the same conclusion – that I make life out to be harder than it is; that I play the victim real well.
A friend recently told me, “You come across to everyone else like you are a special case – like you have problems that no one else does. But you would be surprised at how many people have the same problems you do.” Then I felt like a selfish jerk. Is he right? Do I think of myself as a special case? He went on to explain, “You take refuge in the dramatic because that makes you feel important, whereas, in truth, there is nothing very special about your difficulties. In fact, your issues, problems, and conflicts are very common. But you would rather be anything but ordinary, because as long as you keep producing these dramatic problems, you are postponing the moment when you have to accept the unwelcome fact that when push comes to shove, you’re not that interesting! You are just another ordinary know-it-all girl who is having problems accepting herself and her life. There is nothing very unusual about that, I’m afraid.”
I felt sick. Though his intensions were good and part of what he was saying is true, I asked him to leave. Mainly because the words he spoke were a large pill to swallow and I needed some time to take it all in. He always seems to be trying to force me to accept his version of events that he has not personally witnessed and his assessment of people whom he has never met. But what he said tonight went deeper. So why am I so affected by what he said? Is it because he is right? Or is it because he is wrong?
About 4 hours, 2 diet cokes, a dozen Hershey kisses, and 3 slices of pepperoni pizza later, my head felt like boiling water inside a compression cooker. I spent more time trying to figure out how I felt about what he said instead of addressing the current predicament I shared with him at the time.
I am finally giving up! I am done asking others for their opinions.
I am giving up crying for help, because I am giving up expecting anyone to understand.
I am giving up hope in others altogether.
…and there is a certain peace in that.
I cannot help but keep looking to others to define myself. That’s just human nature, right? But to what extent? And I can’t keep looking in the past to define myself. That’s not who I am anymore. I just have to keep looking. Block out people and the past.
Eyes forward.
Mind set.
But set on what?
This is a new task at hand that I have never attempted before.
I feel like Indie on his search for the Holy Grail as he reaches the spot in the temple where the dirt path ends and all he sees below him is a vast dark pit of nothingness. He puts his hand on his chest to calm his nerves, takes a deep breath, and places one foot out in front of him - to realize there was an unseen bridge there the whole time.
I have submitted to other people’s agendas and programs for far too long. That is perhaps part of my problem. It is time to take my life into my own hands instead of handing it to other people, no matter how good their intentions.
From now on, I am on my own.
Any fault or blame will be all on me.
This is the only way to learn for myself how to do this…this thing called life.
...and there is a certain peace in that.
How can I attain my B.A. when I can’t sit through a lecture without feeling claustrophobic?
How can I hold a job when the slightest stress puts me in bed for days?
How can I function in life with such overwhelming anxiety and depression?
And where does it come from?
And why can’t I cope?
The only future I can see myself in is one that is numb.
So I begin seeking the advice of others.
I wonder what I look like from the outside.
How do others see me and how do they think I should remedy my lack of ‘why’ for living? A few confident souls have shared some of their own words of wisdom with me. But they all come to the same conclusion – that I make life out to be harder than it is; that I play the victim real well.
A friend recently told me, “You come across to everyone else like you are a special case – like you have problems that no one else does. But you would be surprised at how many people have the same problems you do.” Then I felt like a selfish jerk. Is he right? Do I think of myself as a special case? He went on to explain, “You take refuge in the dramatic because that makes you feel important, whereas, in truth, there is nothing very special about your difficulties. In fact, your issues, problems, and conflicts are very common. But you would rather be anything but ordinary, because as long as you keep producing these dramatic problems, you are postponing the moment when you have to accept the unwelcome fact that when push comes to shove, you’re not that interesting! You are just another ordinary know-it-all girl who is having problems accepting herself and her life. There is nothing very unusual about that, I’m afraid.”
I felt sick. Though his intensions were good and part of what he was saying is true, I asked him to leave. Mainly because the words he spoke were a large pill to swallow and I needed some time to take it all in. He always seems to be trying to force me to accept his version of events that he has not personally witnessed and his assessment of people whom he has never met. But what he said tonight went deeper. So why am I so affected by what he said? Is it because he is right? Or is it because he is wrong?
About 4 hours, 2 diet cokes, a dozen Hershey kisses, and 3 slices of pepperoni pizza later, my head felt like boiling water inside a compression cooker. I spent more time trying to figure out how I felt about what he said instead of addressing the current predicament I shared with him at the time.
I am finally giving up! I am done asking others for their opinions.
I am giving up crying for help, because I am giving up expecting anyone to understand.
I am giving up hope in others altogether.
…and there is a certain peace in that.
I cannot help but keep looking to others to define myself. That’s just human nature, right? But to what extent? And I can’t keep looking in the past to define myself. That’s not who I am anymore. I just have to keep looking. Block out people and the past.
Eyes forward.
Mind set.
But set on what?
This is a new task at hand that I have never attempted before.
I feel like Indie on his search for the Holy Grail as he reaches the spot in the temple where the dirt path ends and all he sees below him is a vast dark pit of nothingness. He puts his hand on his chest to calm his nerves, takes a deep breath, and places one foot out in front of him - to realize there was an unseen bridge there the whole time.
I have submitted to other people’s agendas and programs for far too long. That is perhaps part of my problem. It is time to take my life into my own hands instead of handing it to other people, no matter how good their intentions.
From now on, I am on my own.
Any fault or blame will be all on me.
This is the only way to learn for myself how to do this…this thing called life.
...and there is a certain peace in that.
Just a mere suggestion...
ReplyDeleteLET GO!!!!!
It is obvious that you are holding on to alot of anger. Let go of any and all resentment that you have built up toward : your friends, your family, your past boyfriends, your God, your parents, your sisters, your boss, your co-workers, your self! Just let it all go. You cannot carry all of that crap around any longer. Forgive all of these people for the wrongs they have made toward you. Forgive these people for the wrongs they have made in their own lives that have affected you. Make amends with all these people by letting go. Your heart, mind, and spirit will heal. It is worth it, I know from experience. Peace will overcome your life. You may not find the answer to your 'why' but you will be able to go about your day with a new found calm. You will lay your head down at night and feel a new sense of being content. You don't always have to be happy - but you should LOVE your life. Let go of everything that is preventing you from doing that. You problems and trials are not to blame - it is your obsession with them that is.
OH MY GOSH!!! Is this my Tatia Belle? I sure hope so because if not then a lot of what I'm saying here isn't going to make sense. =) I found your blog through Angie's. She and my sister got in touch with eachother a couple of months or so ago. It has been so nice to see her beautiful family and what they've been up to.
ReplyDeleteI am SO EXCITED that I found you too. Oh, this is Hollie by the way. We were in the same ward in Fallbrook when we were like beehives. I think about you and your family and all the Fallbrook girls all the time. I loved that ward and missed you all so much after we moved. I was always really sad that I wasn't better about keeping in touch.
It's so funny because we live in Utah now, but before we moved here we lived in a place called Maricopa, AZ (just outside of Phoenix). We had some friends named Josh & Crystal Hoeh. One day I was over at their house looking through their wedding album and I saw a picture of you. I'm like "hey, I know that girl, that's Tatia Belle!" He said yeah, we know eachother from school (I think that's how he said he knew you anyway.) I couldn't believe it, that absolutely made my day to see your sweet little self again. You looked just how I remembered you...such a cutie!
I really hope you don't mind me reading your posts. What is your major by the way? I would guess English or something along those lines. I LOVE your writing style. Your words are so raw, honest, vivid and beautifully put even if the topic is a difficult one to address.
It made me so sad to read some of this. What I remember most about you is how sweet, compassionate, willing to help and upbeat you always were. I'm sure you still have the same qualities. It just breaks my heart to hear you're having such a hard time right now.
Some of what you wrote sounded so familiar to me. I'm not going to pretend at all like I have ANY idea of what you're going through, but this past year was a rough one for me. There were times I felt pretty low, like there was no way I was ever going to be happy again. It was miserable!
The thing is, when we are having such struggles I think sometimes we might seem selfish or self-aborsbed to others, and perhaps that's exactly how we are being at the moment, but that's just human nature. I don't think that any of us ever try to pretend like our troubles are so much worse than anything anyone else is going through, but in that particular moment in time this is the worst thing happening in our lives and we usually have to try to fix ourselves before we can help others.
That's not to say we can get totally wrapped up in ourselves and have absolutely no regard for other beings. But I can't see that you would ever let that happen. From what I remember of you, you are such an amazing person who is unfortunately just going through some really hard times. I am so sorry for that! I loved your post on prayer, I have totally felt that way at times myself. I haven't always been close to the gospel, but I do know that the times that I have been had made it so much easier to deal with all the crap life throws your way. I know you already know that, just felt like as a friend I should say it anyway. =)
I so admire the fact that you went on a mission. Good for you! That's something I wish I would have done. Some day when I'm old and gray (already starting to get gray...no comment on the old part) I'll go with the hubby.
I hope some of this made sense. Sorry, I didn't mean to write you a novel. I kind of ramble sometimes. I didn't mean to butt my big nose in where it doesn't belong. I just don't want you to feel alone. I think you are one awesome girl and I just wanted you to know that.
If you don't mind I'd love to check back now and then. You can check out my blog too. Take care, talk to you soon. Lots of love! Hollie
Hey Tatia! Your post made me sad, and just wanted to let you know what an awesome, inspirational, compassionate, loving, admirable, beautiful person you are. I know you're having a hard time, and I'm not pretending to know what you're going through, just know that everyone goes through hard times in their lives. I'm actually going through a really hard time also. I feel so alone out here in Washington, and it's been afftecting every aspect of my life. If you ever need to talk of email, please feel free, because I need a friend too! I love you and I hope you can find your way back to happiness.
ReplyDelete