How can I engage in life when my heart is numb? It makes it difficult to function.
How can I attain my B.A. when I can’t sit through a lecture without feeling claustrophobic?
How can I hold a job when the slightest stress puts me in bed for days?
How can I function in life with such overwhelming anxiety and depression?
And where does it come from?
And why can’t I cope?
The only future I can see myself in is one that is numb.
So I begin seeking the advice of others.
I wonder what I look like from the outside.
How do others see me and how do they think I should remedy my lack of ‘why’ for living? A few confident souls have shared some of their own words of wisdom with me. But they all come to the same conclusion – that I make life out to be harder than it is; that I play the victim real well.
A friend recently told me, “You come across to everyone else like you are a special case – like you have problems that no one else does. But you would be surprised at how many people have the same problems you do.” Then I felt like a selfish jerk. Is he right? Do I think of myself as a special case? He went on to explain, “You take refuge in the dramatic because that makes you feel important, whereas, in truth, there is nothing very special about your difficulties. In fact, your issues, problems, and conflicts are very common. But you would rather be anything but ordinary, because as long as you keep producing these dramatic problems, you are postponing the moment when you have to accept the unwelcome fact that when push comes to shove, you’re not that interesting! You are just another ordinary know-it-all girl who is having problems accepting herself and her life. There is nothing very unusual about that, I’m afraid.”
I felt sick. Though his intensions were good and part of what he was saying is true, I asked him to leave. Mainly because the words he spoke were a large pill to swallow and I needed some time to take it all in. He always seems to be trying to force me to accept his version of events that he has not personally witnessed and his assessment of people whom he has never met. But what he said tonight went deeper. So why am I so affected by what he said? Is it because he is right? Or is it because he is wrong?
About 4 hours, 2 diet cokes, a dozen Hershey kisses, and 3 slices of pepperoni pizza later, my head felt like boiling water inside a compression cooker. I spent more time trying to figure out how I felt about what he said instead of addressing the current predicament I shared with him at the time.
I am finally giving up! I am done asking others for their opinions.
I am giving up crying for help, because I am giving up expecting anyone to understand.
I am giving up hope in others altogether.
…and there is a certain peace in that.
I cannot help but keep looking to others to define myself. That’s just human nature, right? But to what extent? And I can’t keep looking in the past to define myself. That’s not who I am anymore. I just have to keep looking. Block out people and the past.
Eyes forward.
Mind set.
But set on what?
This is a new task at hand that I have never attempted before.
I feel like Indie on his search for the Holy Grail as he reaches the spot in the temple where the dirt path ends and all he sees below him is a vast dark pit of nothingness. He puts his hand on his chest to calm his nerves, takes a deep breath, and places one foot out in front of him - to realize there was an unseen bridge there the whole time.
I have submitted to other people’s agendas and programs for far too long. That is perhaps part of my problem. It is time to take my life into my own hands instead of handing it to other people, no matter how good their intentions.
From now on, I am on my own.
Any fault or blame will be all on me.
This is the only way to learn for myself how to do this…this thing called life.
...and there is a certain peace in that.
How can I attain my B.A. when I can’t sit through a lecture without feeling claustrophobic?
How can I hold a job when the slightest stress puts me in bed for days?
How can I function in life with such overwhelming anxiety and depression?
And where does it come from?
And why can’t I cope?
The only future I can see myself in is one that is numb.
So I begin seeking the advice of others.
I wonder what I look like from the outside.
How do others see me and how do they think I should remedy my lack of ‘why’ for living? A few confident souls have shared some of their own words of wisdom with me. But they all come to the same conclusion – that I make life out to be harder than it is; that I play the victim real well.
A friend recently told me, “You come across to everyone else like you are a special case – like you have problems that no one else does. But you would be surprised at how many people have the same problems you do.” Then I felt like a selfish jerk. Is he right? Do I think of myself as a special case? He went on to explain, “You take refuge in the dramatic because that makes you feel important, whereas, in truth, there is nothing very special about your difficulties. In fact, your issues, problems, and conflicts are very common. But you would rather be anything but ordinary, because as long as you keep producing these dramatic problems, you are postponing the moment when you have to accept the unwelcome fact that when push comes to shove, you’re not that interesting! You are just another ordinary know-it-all girl who is having problems accepting herself and her life. There is nothing very unusual about that, I’m afraid.”
I felt sick. Though his intensions were good and part of what he was saying is true, I asked him to leave. Mainly because the words he spoke were a large pill to swallow and I needed some time to take it all in. He always seems to be trying to force me to accept his version of events that he has not personally witnessed and his assessment of people whom he has never met. But what he said tonight went deeper. So why am I so affected by what he said? Is it because he is right? Or is it because he is wrong?
About 4 hours, 2 diet cokes, a dozen Hershey kisses, and 3 slices of pepperoni pizza later, my head felt like boiling water inside a compression cooker. I spent more time trying to figure out how I felt about what he said instead of addressing the current predicament I shared with him at the time.
I am finally giving up! I am done asking others for their opinions.
I am giving up crying for help, because I am giving up expecting anyone to understand.
I am giving up hope in others altogether.
…and there is a certain peace in that.
I cannot help but keep looking to others to define myself. That’s just human nature, right? But to what extent? And I can’t keep looking in the past to define myself. That’s not who I am anymore. I just have to keep looking. Block out people and the past.
Eyes forward.
Mind set.
But set on what?
This is a new task at hand that I have never attempted before.
I feel like Indie on his search for the Holy Grail as he reaches the spot in the temple where the dirt path ends and all he sees below him is a vast dark pit of nothingness. He puts his hand on his chest to calm his nerves, takes a deep breath, and places one foot out in front of him - to realize there was an unseen bridge there the whole time.
I have submitted to other people’s agendas and programs for far too long. That is perhaps part of my problem. It is time to take my life into my own hands instead of handing it to other people, no matter how good their intentions.
From now on, I am on my own.
Any fault or blame will be all on me.
This is the only way to learn for myself how to do this…this thing called life.
...and there is a certain peace in that.
